Okay, here's what we do to fix the economy. It's easy, I swear.
Monkeys. Start with monkeys and the whole thing just kinda falls into place.
No, I don't know what kind of monkeys - I don't care what kind of monkeys. Just follow me here, you'll see what I mean.
Here's what we do: we get a hundred million in investment capital to start a MASSIVE ad campaign, encouraging people to get monkeys as pets. It shouldn't be too hard, right? Monkeys are cute, they're funny, you can dress 'em up in tuxedos and things. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
You get people to buy monkeys. With the monkey business taking off, other industries will follow. Banana growers, diaper makers, to say nothing of YouTube - can you imagine what will happen to YouTube once everyone owns a monkey? The primary economic benefits should be obvious to anyone who just thinks about it for a minute.
But that's not where it stops. Oh, no, in order to fix the mess we're in, you have to think a few steps ahead. Like chess, I swear to god.
So picture it: everyone has monkeys. Monkeys everywhere. Street corners, movie theaters, management seminars, everywhere. Screaming, frolicking, shit-throwing monkeys. I swear, the mind boggles.
Eventually there'll be so many monkeys that people will need to start, y'know, getting rid of 'em. But you can't just tie a monkey in a sack and dump it in the river, right? They'll just use their little monkey fingers and untie the knots. So here's what we do - we put those monkeys to work.
Think about it: how many times have you looked at a person doing a job and thought, "Jesus, a monkey could do that."
There. You're seeing it, too, right?
We train the monkeys to do all those menial, meaningless jobs. Run registers, mop floors, sweep streets, write prime-time reality programming, all of it! What this means is we get a permanent slave underclass, working for peanuts - literally - which frees the rest of us up for more intellectual pursuits! We can educate ourselves, we can turn our energies towards bettering ourselves and our world!
Say what you will about slavery, it's cost-effective in the long run. And it's not like monkeys are humans, right? It's not like they have rights, right? What're they going to do, rise up and rebel? That's just the movies, man - that's just fantasy. What I'm talking about is reality.
I'm telling you, man, this is how we have to solve our problem. Okay, maybe not with monkeys, but with something like monkeys. Something that looks crazy, but you know what?
It might just be crazy enough to work.
"Of course I'm crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. I'm mad but not ill."
- Robert Anton Wilson